See you in 8 days?

Well, since “Chinese Democracy” has finally been released, maybe it’s time to end my 8 day hiatus that turned into a 5 month, 5 day hiatus. Much to my surprise, this page received its most pageviews in October, 4 months after anything new had been written (maybe this is due to Stephen Colbert stealing my idea…above). This proves that people were interested in the reptilian patterns of John McCain, even though the herpetologists had stopped writing updates.

Since June, this herpetologist has relocated from Denver to Washington because of school. Luckily, this provides me the opportunity to view the largest turtle habitat in the world: the United States Congress.  Although not all congressional members are turtles, somehow the sum of the parts adds up to a negative number.  It would be like taking a bunch of Kenyans and tying them together so that it takes them 3 hours to run 100 meters.

Hopefully, I will be able to begin updating this site with more frequency again (although that might mean fewer pictures while I’m in school…sorry, I’m not a graphic artist).

See you in 8 days

Unfortunately, I have actually had to work at work the past few days instead of updating everyone on the reptilian life of John McCain.  I will be out of town the next few days, but returning next Wednesday with a new post.

 

McCain Encourages Oil Drilling in Home Habitat

In a startling announcement Tuesday, John McCain said that he would encourage lifting a federal ban on offshore oil and natural gas drilling.  McCain proposed lifting the ban because of what he calls America’s “dangerous” dependence on the importation of foreign oil.  McCain’s call is seen as a direct response to increasing fuel prices throughout the country which has caused many critics to suggest that more domestic production will alleviate the high price being charged for oil by increasing the oil supply.  However, many people rebut these claims by pointing out that domestic companies will charge just as much as foreign companies because of supply and demand and that building off shore rigging to drill for oil should take another 5 or 10 years to really effect the oil supply in the States.  Environmentalists also point to the risk of an oil spill in coastal areas and how that would affect the habitat of those areas.

This was a surprising announcement because of John McCain’s history with oil spills.  While on his way to a Mexican vacation with Cindy McCain in 1979, John McCain was a victim of the Ixtoc I oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  This oil spill is particularly notable for how it threatened the habitat of the Kemp’s Ridley sea turtle.  McCain experienced this event personally while swimming from his departure point in Galveston, Texas to his Mexican vacation villa.  During the swim, McCain ran into a large pool of oil being spilt into the Gulf of Mexico.  When McCain finally reached his destination, he was unable to keep down food due to accidental ingestion of a liter of crude oil.  The picture to the left shows McCain surfacing near Rancho Nuevo, Mexico, his shell covered in spilt crude oil.  When asked about the incident Tuesday, McCain said:  “My friends, this country faces a crisis.  I suffered in 1979 because of an oil spill, but I am confident that the technological improvements of the past 29 years can let us drill in these areas safely.”

McCain’s speech also pushed the importance of energy conservation and looking towards new forms of energy consumption.

McCain’s Friday the 13th

Turtle candidate John McCain had fun with the fact that today is Friday the 13th by posing for the picture to the left.  The picture refers to the Friday the 13th movie series that features Jason Voorhees, a masked serial killer who wears a hockey mask and uses a machete.  Much like Jason, John McCain has a blank, expressionless face and limited emotion.  Like Jason, he is also classified as a type of being referred to as the “walking dead;” however, as a turtle, he poses little threat to people, unlike Jason.  McCain commented on the photo:  “I can’t wait to dress up like Jason and hack at Barack Obama’s neck with a machete.  My friends, this is a metaphor, as the machete represents my ability to cut down Barack’s flimsy ideas with the facts.”

However, McCain may want to start hacking at Barack’s neck with a real machete today.  McCain’s campaign began chastising Obama for his inability to respond swiftly to McCain’s request for 10 town hall style meetings.  According to the McCain camp, the Obama campaign has responded with a proposal for only one meeting prior to the Democratic Convention in Denver.  Obama’s proposal includes the three normally scheduled debates, one debate on the economy in July and a foreign policy debate in August.  Obama’s campaign manager, David Plouffe, responded by saying Obama had suggested five meetings prior to election day: “That package of five engagements would have been the most of any presidential campaign in the modern era — offering a broad range of formats — and representing a historic commitment to openness and transparency.” 

McCain’s primary campaign was saved by his town hall meetings, where he performs better than during preplanned speeches.  McCain held over 100 town hall meetings during his primary.  If only John McCain’s turtle hands could hold on to a machete, I’m sure Barack would be his target for failing to acquiesce to McCain’s request.

McCain and Obama Tax Our Patience

On Tuesday, turtle candidate John McCain and black candidate Barack Obama discussed the different ways they will look at tax policy.  McCain’s policy proposals focus on decreasing taxes across the board.  Contrarily, Obama’s policy would focus on raising taxes on more wealthy Americans while lowering them for middle-class families. 

McCain has argued that Obama’s proposals would lead to the highest taxes since World War Two, when America was last in a foreign war on two different fronts before 2003.  McCain also argues in favor of keeping the Bush Tax Cuts he initially voted against.  He proposes lowering the corporate profit tax rate from 35% to 25%, phasing out the Alternative Minimum Tax and increasing the tax exemption for people with kids.  While ignoring middle class people without kids, McCain stated: “We’re going to scrub every agency of government and we’re going to make them justify their existence. And if they can’t, they’re going to go out of existence.”  He has said that he will be able to balance the budget while collecting fewer taxes by cutting the aforementioned nameless government agencies, eliminating sugar and ethanol subsidies and reducing funding for certain weapons systems (aren’t we fighting two wars?).

McCain has long rallied against higher taxes as emphasized in this statement: “In 1773, when I participated in the Boston Tea Party rebellion, I was a patriot.  I did not support the excessive taxation of the British Empire.  I also do not support the excessive taxation of the Federal Government’s Empire.  As I floated through the Boston Harbor eating those tea leaves in protest, I did it because of my love for America and my hatred of negligent, unneccessary taxation.”  McCain’s participation in the Boston Tea Party is represented to the left.

H&R Barack has emphasized a different tact which centers on raising taxes on wealthier Americans, defined as those making more than $250,000 a year.  Obama stated:  “The general principle of raising taxes on higher income Americans, like myself, and providing relief to those who haven’t benefited as much from this new global economy, I think, is a sound one.”  Obama also indicated that he would consider repealing most of the Bush tax cuts.  However, he said he might keep some of the tax cuts, depending on the present economic situation should he takes office.

McCain and Obama Talk Economics

This weekend was the weekend of the loser.  From Hillary Clinton to Big Brown, it was the losers that dominated the news.  John McCain enjoyed some time relaxing in his shell, away from the public eye, while Hillary threw her support behind Barack Obama (pictured left, McCain relaxing during an Everglades tour).  Hillary said:  “I will work my heart out to make sure that Senator Obama is our next president.”  Obama campaign strategist David Axelrod respond by saying, “Hillary is only going to work her heart out.  The fact that she will still have lungs, kidneys and a digestive system after this campaign shows that she is, in fact, a bitch and I’d personally like to see her thrown into the Sarlacc from the Return of the Jedi for her halfassed effort.”  Obama said he was “thrilled and honored” by Hillary’s support while David Axelrod sat in the background and cackled mischeviously while sticking needles into a Hillary Clinton voodoo doll.

But now it’s Monday.  The weekend’s over and Obama seeks to expose McCain’s stupid economic policies by proposing some stupid economic policies of his own.  Obama’s latest proposal is to “make oil companies like Exxon pay a tax on their windfall profits, and we’ll use the money to help families pay for their skyrocketing energy costs and other bills.”  I’m sure arbitrary, unplanned taxes on a company for being too successful are a good way to spur economic growth and increase international investment.  Obama added that “If John McCain’s policies were implemented, they would add $5.7 trillion to the national debt over the next decade. That isn’t fiscal conservatism, that’s what George Bush has done over the last eight years.”  Obama refers to the Bush tax cuts that McCain now supports.

At a Richmond, VA lunchon, McCain responded by saying “we need lower taxes, we need to stimulate our economy, we need to keep people in their homes.”  The McCain campaign has said that it plans to balance the budget by 2013, which should be easy with across the board tax cuts, two wars, rising Social Security costs, rising Medicare costs and a new proposal to subsidize subprime loans with FHA loans.

Obama also hired a new economic aide from the Clinton campaign who hopefully will advise Obama…a lot.  McCain retired back to his holding tank where he had a nap and dreamt about finally beating a hare in a race.

McCain Loves the Ladies

Hillary Clinton is out and ladies, John McCain wants you.  After the primaries on Tuesday, Hillary Clinton was statistically eliminated from the Democratic nomination for president.  This allowed McCain to focus his appeal to Senator Clinton’s female supporters who were jaded by the loss of the only major female candidate.  McCain stated: “I think there’s a lot of Senator Clinton’s supporters who will support me because of their belief that Senator [“Uglyface”] Obama does not have the experience or the knowledge or the judgment to address this nation’s national security challenges [in bed].”  McCain continued to comment about his esteem for ladies during the speech: “As the father of three daughters, I owe her a debt for inspiring millions of women to believe there is no opportunity in this great country beyond their reach [besides the Presidency of the United States].”

Many Clinton supporters have said they would vote for McCain before voting for Obama.  This is a logical leap since Clinton and McCain’s views are so similar on the issues of abortion, defense spending, health care, immigration, tax reform, free-trade agreements and Iraq*.

*Note: Clinton and McCain have antithetical view on these issues and Clinton supporters who switch to McCain probably don’t know why they supported Clinton in the first place.

The Long, Slow Crawl to the End

Now that woman candidate Hillary Clinton has been fundamentally eliminated from the presidential race, McCain has focused his attention on black candidate Barack Obama in more definite ways. Over the past week, McCain has stepped up criticism of how Barack Obama plans to deal with terrorist states such as Iran and Syria. McCain’s criticisms refer primarily to a debate in which Obama said he would meet with Iranian/tribble president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pictured left with William Shatner). The major sticking point of this statement has been Obama’s suggestion that he would meet unconditionally with Ahmadinejad. Addressing the American-Israeli Public Affairs Committee on Monday (AIPAC), McCain stated: “We hear talk of a meeting with the Iranian leadership offered up as if it were some sudden inspiration, a bold new idea that somehow nobody has ever thought of before.” McCain cited unsuccessful attempts by the Clinton administration to meet with Iran as evidence that Obama’s ideas are naive.

In today’s meeting at AIPAC, Obama appeared to have toughened his stance: “We will open up lines of communication, build an agenda, coordinate closely with our allies, and evaluate the potential for progress…I have no interest in sitting down with our adversaries just for the sake of talking.” Then Obama had this zinger: “I will do everything in my power to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon, everything in my power to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon — everything.” Then he got a standing ovation.

Today, McCain also proposed that he and Obama have 10 face-to-face town hall meetings across the country. The Obama camp responded positively to the suggestion, but proposed changes: “We would recommend a format that is less structured and lengthier than the McCain campaign suggests, one that more closely resembles the historic debates between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas.”

McCain said the following about the Lincoln-Douglass debate proposal: “I know Senator Obama has fond ideas about these debates because of how they have been presented in the history books. My friends, I was there in 1858 to witness the reality of these debates. I was there to see how ineffective they were for escalating the level of debate in this nation. For you, my friends, my many many friends, I want your voices to be heard and that’s why I propose the town hall meetings.”

McCain has yet to say whether he wants to include Libertarian/dustbroom candidate Bob Barr (pictured left) in these town hall meetings. Mike Gravel is expected to show up and throw gravel at the gathered crowds.

Mile High Turtle

Today, my hometown of Denver, Colorado had the honor and privilege of hosting John McCain. McCain spoke at my alma mater, the University of Denver. During his speech, he spoke about trying to hold negotiations with China to halt nuclear weapon production and about trying to enact a treaty with Russia to destroy more nuclear weapons. McCain also commented about the threat of Iran and North Korea in the nuclear weapon game. McCain also imparted this gem of wisdom on the Denver crowd: “There’s no such thing as good international citizenship. And America must be a good citizen of the world.”

During the speech, McCain was interrupted by protesters against the Iraq War. While the protesters were being escorted out, McCain said, “One thing we don’t do is interfere with other people’s right to free speech, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with these people.” McCain reiterated his stance on Iraq, saying, “I will never surrender in Iraq, my friends.” McCain apparently has a lot of of friends. Nearly 400 people attended the event, contrasting the 18.000 that showed up for this event, the 3,000 that showed up for this event (while it was snowing), the roughly 2,000 that showed up for this event and the 1,000+ that showed up for this event. You can feel the energy in the air for John McCain is palpable when he can draw about as many people as a Stryper concert (pictured above).

Tonight, McCain will have dinner with his more important/wealthier friends at the Stampede in Aurora, Colorado. It is a classy place indeed (too bad he’s going to miss ladies night).

McCain Looks for a Lizard (pt. 3)

After a far too long hiatus, we’re (as in the royal we, referring to me) back.

Today, the New York Times reported that John McCain will begin having meetings with potential running mates at his ranch in Sedona, Arizona. The three people being invited to the ranch to discuss the VP position are Florida governor and Savior doppelganger Charlie Crist, former Massachusetts governor and hair titan Mitt Romney, and Louisiana governor/Republican-version of Barack Obama Bobby Jindal.

Bobby Jindal’s invitation to meet with McCain comes as a mild surprise because he is a relatively fresh face in politics and he is from turtle soup’s home, Louisiana. At 36, Jindal became the youngest governor in the United States earlier this year and he has limited executive experience. However, Jindal’s young age could be a boon for a presidential ticket featuring a sea turtle that Darwin witnessed on his first visits to the Galapagos Islands. In addition, Jindal is capable of drawing the conservative base to McCain. Notably, one of Jindal’s biggest fans (literally and figuratively) is Rush Limbaugh, who has called him the next Ronald Regan.

Another thing to consider with Jindal is race. By nominating an Indian-American for the VP position, the GOP could deflect criticism that it is a collection of stuffy, white men and green turtles. However, many rural swing voters might have a tough time deciding which race they don’t want to vote for: the Blacks who used to do all the work for America domestically or the Indians who currently do all the work for America overseas. With Jindal, it is tough to know whether his race will be an advantage or disadvantage.

McCain has also shown his conservative credentials by failing to meet with any women for the Vice Presidency position.