Turtle TV

“John McCain. The American president American’s have been waiting for.” Regardless of the fact that McCain’s first general election advertisement ends a sentence with a preposition, there is not a statement I more agree with. John McCain is the president for which America has been waiting. On Friday, John McCain’s campaign unveiled a new ad to demonstrate McCain’s ability to serve as the next president of the United States. As of now, the ad has aired only in the state of New Mexico.

McCain’s new TV ad states that “John McCain has the experience to make change.” This is an important quality for a president to have. Don’t you hate when you’re at your local coffee shop and your cost is $3.27, you pay with a 5 dollar bill, but you only get $1.55 back? John McCain has the ability to give you that $1.73, and with an extension of the Bush tax cuts, maybe even $1.79. That extra $0.06 is enough to buy a steak dinner, a trip to the talking picture show and an ice cream at the ole’ ice cream parlor, or at least it was when McCain emerged from his shell (pictured left).

McCain’s advertisement also asks questions of the American people: “”What must a president believe about us? About America? That she is worth protecting? That liberty is priceless? Our people are honorable? Our future prosperous, remarkable and free? And what must we believe about that president? What does he think? Where has he been? Has he walked the walk?” Has he walked the walk? What is he? Shaft? However it takes a real president to ask the American people more questions than a mother asks her teenage son after coming home 4 hours after his curfew.

To get a real sense of McCain watch the advertisement here:

And if you’re opposed to moving pictures as a form of idolatry, read about the turtle.

McCain Speaks About the Economy

Over the past two days, John McCain has been speaking about the economy and the housing crisis. For a being who lives in the sea, McCain has demonstrated an acute sense for understanding the housing crisis in terms of wood and cement-based housing. On Tuesday, he commented about the causes of the credit crisis in America by stating “lenders ended up violating the basic rule of banking: Don’t lend people money who can’t pay it back.” McCain’s comment demonstrates that he has the economic understanding of at least a 6th or 7th grader in Mississippi, better than any president since Eisenhower.

Unfortunately, as reptiles tend to do, McCain’s speech generally focused on the past. McCain failed to offer any concrete statements about how to improve the economic situation, vowing not to “play election year politics.” McCain mentioned that homeowners and lenders need to be more responsible and that any assistance should be temporary. McCain appeared to oppose any new regulatory action, instead stating that “regulatory, accounting and tax impediments to raising capital” should be removed, without offering any specifics or understanding as to how that would work to improve the economy.

McCain’s failure to provide solutions for the problem at hand demonstrates some drawbacks with a reptile candidate. Reptiles tend to look towards the past since 65,000,000 years ago, large reptiles called dinosaurs ruled the earth. This time was a great boon for reptile-kind as the McTurtle, Regasaurus, and Kennedactyl roamed the lands unquestioned. Much as the Italians look to the days of Rome, the Persians look to the days of Muhammed and the Americans look to the 1980s, reptiles enjoy reflecting on times when they were more powerful. With some strict training and focus, McCain should be able to recognize methods to solving contemporary problems.

The campaign of woman candidate, Hillary Clinton, stated that McCain’s plan of action was insufficent: “It sounds remarkably like Herbert Hoover … I don’t think that’s a good economic policy.” Herbert Hoover was the president at the beginning of the Great Depression, which explains Clinton’s criticism towards his economic policies. Hoover was also one of McCain’s closest friends from high school. A popular myth states that Hoover purchased McCain at a local pet shop while in middle school, but became so attached to the turtle that he taught McCain to speak English and read Tristam Shandy. By the time Hoover attended high school, McCain was just as intelligent as his friend. During this time, it is likely that Hoover imparted many of his economic principles to McCain.

The campaign of black candidate, Barack Obama, stated the following in reaction to McCain: “It’s deeply troubling that John McCain is suggesting that the best way to address the housing crisis is to sit back and watch it happen — which is just further evidence that he would continue President Bush’s failed economic policies.” Obama’s campaign is likely referring to the tax cuts that George W. Bush implemented during his presidency. However, much of that deficit is due to increased spending on the war in Iraq and the budget could be balanced again with current policies when we are out of the Iraq war. *

About Turtlewatch(ing)

Barack Obama gains media attention for being the first substantial black candidate for president. Hillary Clinton also gains media attention for being the first substantial female candidate for president. However, the liberal-biased media forgets to mention that the Republican party is a bastion of diversity. The Republican party accepts African-Americans (Alan Keyes), Hispanics (Alberto Gonzalez) and especially homosexuals (Larry Craig, Mark Foley). In an unprecedented step the Republican party has nominated the first Reptilian candidate for president, a laudatory idea.

Turtlewatch(ing) is dedicated to the herpetological and political study of the first major reptilian candidate for president – John McCain.