Turtle Soup

Last week, John McCain made quite a stir by acknowledging the failure of government agencies in New Orleans during and after Hurricane Katrina.  “It was a perfect storm as far as the federal, state and local governments’ inability,” said the presumptive Republican nominee.  McCain went on to add that “never again will there be a mismanaged natural disaster.”  He stated that “Americans have not forgotten New Orleans.” 

John McCain should be lauded for going to New Orleans, because New Orleans is a scary place for John McCain.  It is a town drunk on turtle soup (flavored with sherry and thyme), where chefs in large hats roam the streets with hatchets, waiting to yank the poor creatures from their shell and throw them in a deliciouspot of beef stock, celery, onions and oregano.  McCain even had a close encounter with one chef (pictured left) during his stay there, but managed to escape due to slippery algae that had accumulated on his shell.

Some cynics noted that there are some problems with McCain’s statements, considering what he said about the 9th Ward earlier in the week:  “We need to go back to have a conversation about what to do: rebuild it, tear it down, you know, whatever it is.”  Many 9th Ward residents didn’t take to kindly to the “tear it down” part of that comment.  Primarily, they were offended at the implication that the government might “tear” down a part of the city where they owned their homes.  However, since John McCain visited there, the 9th Ward is no longer a forgotten part of America…isn’t that how it works?

McCain gets his South on

This week, McCain lumbered to rural Kentucky as a continuation of his “forgotten places” tour.  Since it hasn’t had much recent land development, rural Kentucky truly is a forgotten place.  McCain said, “I wouldn’t be back here today if government had fulfilled the promises that Lyndon Johnson made 44 years ago,” a statement that, unfortunately, makes the tacit implication that Johnson’s proposals were a good thing.  “The moral of the story is — government isn’t always the answer” added the senior Senator from Arizona in the United States government.

McCain also addressed the health care issue facing many rural people: “[McCain] mentioned his proposal for a $5,000 refundable tax credit to allow families to ‘go out and acquire at least some level of health insurance,’ and added that he would recruit professional athletes to visit rural communities to talk about nutrition.”  McCain’s tax benefit should help to supplement the average $12,100 that employers and employees contribute to the average family health insurance plan.*  But who cares about that?  Obviously the most effective way to demonstrate nutritional responsibility is to bring athletic role-models like Jason Kidd, John Daly and Pacman Jones to rural Kentucky.

*Note = McCain wants to eliminate the corporate tax credit for health care which could shift the entire cost of health care to the consumers.  Whatever, I’m sure he has a plan for the $7,100 shortfall.

Straight-Talk Express in Forgotten America

My friends, John McCain continues to languish in the background of the news media as the Democratic presidential battle continues. Do not worry, because the straight-talk express will continue rambling across this land. In a campaign email this weekend, our favorite turtle said the following: “This week I embarked on a trip to areas of the United States seldom-visited and all too often forgotten by our nation’s leaders.” As a senior member of the Senate, we must remember that John McCain is not one of these so-called “nation’s leaders,” but just a peon amongst the evil of Washington politics. He should not be blamed for forgetting areas of the nation.

In addition, even with his limited powers as a senior member of the Senate, McCain has not forgotten America. As evidenced in an article by the New York Times on April 22nd, John McCain remembered the location of Fort Ord in California when long-time campaign contributor and friend Donald Diamond wanted to purchase the land for real estate development: “McCain assigned an aide who set up a meeting at the Pentagon and later stepped in again to help speed up the sale.” The Times also reported that “In 1991 and 1994, McCain sponsored two laws sought by Diamond that resulted in providing him millions of dollars and thousands of acres in exchange for adding some of his [Diamond’s] properties to national parks.” This proves that McCain didn’t forget our national parks like many people in Washington. McCain has also not failed to forget places like Sedona, Tuscon and the Bahamas: “Over the years, Diamond and his wife, Joan, visited the McCains at their ranch in Sedona, Arizona, and entertained them in their Tucson home and in the Bahamas, where Diamond sometimes keeps his 134-foot yacht.”

While some people have speculated that there is some impropriety in the three land deals with which McCain has helped Diamond, it’s hard to believe that McCain has really shown Diamond much favoritism. Look at the stats: “Diamond and his family have given more than $55,000 to McCain’s campaigns…and [he] is now serving as a national co-chairman of the finance committee for McCain’s current presidential run.” $55,000 really isn’t that much money to most politicians who are drunk on money from Budweiser sales and Diamond is only a co-chair, not the sole chair. Obviously, McCain really doesn’t like him all that much, probably due to one of Diamond’s visits to New Orleans where he ate turtle soup.  The way Diamond’s mouth hangs open and the way he moistens his lips demonstrates that Diamond sees more than a friend in John McCain, but a potential Cajun soup ingredient.  If only the New York Times reported on the actual threat of soupmaking within the McCain campaign, we wouldn’t have to worry about flimsy allegations of campaign maleficence.

McCain Looks for a Lizard (part 2)

This Tuesday, the bitter people of Pennsylvania will vote in the Democratic primary, so John McCain will be relegated to the background in the news media.  Well, that is, unless he bites a child at a local zoo or something.  Since John McCain will be in the background today, I figured I would look at some people who will in the background behind John McCain when he slowly lumbers up to the podium to accept the presidency on January 20th, 2009.  Potential McCain vice presidents:

1. Mike Huckabee – An obvious choice.  Huckabee has a lot of the Conservative Christian cache that Mitt Romney would have, but without the magic underpants.  Also, as a bassist, he is attuned to standing in the background while the lead guitarist shines.  Of course, this is only true figuratively, because John McCain’s turtle hands and feet are not suitable for playing guitar.
2. Joseph Lieberman – Many people have noticed how buddy, buddy McCain and Lieberman have been lately.  One must remember that Lieberman is no longer a Democrat, but an “Independent Democrat,” so it wouldn’t be THAT odd if he ran with John McCain.  It would also be great to have Lieberman around as an advisor when McCain is confusedabout Shiite Iran and Sunni Al-Qaeda, in case he needs declare military action or anything like that.
3. Condoleezza Rice – Another bold choice in the demographic debate.  “Oh Democrats, you have someone who’s black?  So do we.  A woman?  HA!”  Condoleezza has frequently stated that she doesn’t want the VP spot, that she would rather go to Stanford and share cocktails with Donald Rumsfeld at the Hoover Institute while trying to finally master how to play “The Bitch is Back” on piano.  However, it’s Condoleezza, do you really believe her?
4. Satan – Last time I speculated that Jesus might make a good running mate for John McCain since Jesus is obviously a Republican (of course, discounting 5 of the 10 commandments).  However, the Vice President often needs to be the bad guy.  In the tradition of great Republican vice presidents like Dick Cheney, Spiro Agnew and Richard Nixon (’53 to ’61, remember), Satan seems like a natural choice.  He has an intimidating presence, is a tough negotiator and even talks back to the man above if needed.  Do you think Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could intimidate this guy if our Lord and Savior doesn’t intimidate him?  Plus, serving as Vice President for the Republican party obviously imparts God’s good will on someone and maybe, just maybe, after 8 years, Satan could finally find his way back into Heaven.  That would just be good for everyone.

On a side note, I wish people would stop referring to McCain’s vice president as a running mate.  As a turtle, it is impossible for McCain to run and implying that he has a mate with which to run is simply rude and insensitive.

McCain’s campaign calls out Obama’s Islamo-Fascism

My friends, I must admit that I was distressed to find that my spam folder chose to block an email from the McCain campaign last Friday.  On the 18th,  John McCain’s campaign sent an email to his friends that referred to a quote from Hamas political adviser Ahmed Yousef that states:  “We like Mr. Obama and we hope he will win the election.  He has a vision to change America.”  Such blatant Islamo-Fascism.  See, it would be a BAD thing if a terrorist organization decided they didn’t hate the president of the United States because, well, humm…they are terrorists, so they’re bad…but if they didn’t hate us…they probably wouldn’t want to “terrorise” us as much.  Let me think about that.  Anyway, the campaign email goes on to state: “We need change in America, but not the kind of change that wins kind words from Hamas.”  It’s obvious that the kind words from Hamas for Obama come from his buddy-like rhetoric towards Hamas as demonstrated with the following Obama quote:  “We must not negotiate with a terrorist group intent on Israel’s destruction. We should only sit down with Hamas if they renounce terrorism, recognize Israel’s right to exist, and abide by past agreements.”  He doesn’t even mention that we should kill anyone who has ever been involved with Hamas.  Obviously, his attitude is much too lax.

My friends, like you and me, John McCain is worried about the possible threat of an Islamo-Fascist president in the United States because of problems such as an increase in terrorist activities and sacrificial goat slayings.  We don’t want someone TALKING to the leaders of countries like Syira and Iran cause that will obviously cause those countries to convert our leaders to Islam, thus converting the entire country to Islam.  At a personal level, John McCain must worry about his own safety in America if an Islamo-Fascist becomes president.  In Muslim nations, people will kill turtles in order to use them as aphrodisiacs, where turtle blood is described as “as good as Viagra.”  As Islamo-Fascism spreads through the plains of American, from coast to coast, John McCain would have nowhere left to live as the engorged hoards try to slit his throat for his sweet erection-inducing turtle blood.  That’s not a way to treat a war hero and that’s why he should be president (if you’re thinking this is that point where this blog has delved into absurd fiction…not completely).

U.S. and Them (England)

Upon his visit to the United States, British Prime Minister/human Gordon Brown met with the three remaining presidential candidates: woman Hillary Clinton, black Barack Obama and, our favorite, turtle John McCain.  On Thursday, Brown met with all three candidates for 45 minutes at the British embassy in Washington D.C.  After his meetings, Brown said the following:  “I am absolutely confident that, having talked to the three candidates, that the special relationship between our two countries is strong and secure and valued by all of them.”  This marks a strong departure from Tony Blair’s policy towards the United States, often described with the term “perturbed pussiness,” which came about after this quote from Blair:  “You know, sometimes I am a little perturbed at the way Bush has handled his foreign policy, but I’m a pussy so I just roll over and take it.”

While in the United States, Brown addressed the ongoing international credit crisis by pressing for international action that requires banks to reveal how much money they have lost.  This comes after McCain’s comments on the economy earlier in the week.  McCain called for an end to the federal gas tax, an overhaul of income tax system and a decrease in corporate profit taxes from 35% to 25%.  McCain has long been a proponent of responsible federal spending and his economic proposal also required decreased discretionary spending by the federal government.  He also seems to have limited concern over the revenue shortfall for the government by stating the following: “The best way to have a balanced budget is to have a recovering economy.”  McCain has also said that inflation is not a worry for him because of the texture and taste of money.  In fact, United States currency is very similar to the leafy-green flora that McCain usually eats and should inflation be a problem, McCain says his belly can tighten up the supply of money and cause deflation.  McCain’s campaign has not yet commented on whose money McCain would eat to decrease the money supply, but many suspect that Anne Coulter might not be able to afford a turkey this Thanksgiving (not that she would want to since more than two grams of food may throw off her metabolism).

More Turtle Juice

John McCain released his taxes on Friday, because, well, that’s what you do when you’re running for president. However, as previously mentioned on Turtlewatch(ing), Cindy McCain holds most of the assets for the McCains. Accordingly, John McCain did not release his wife’s tax returns because, as stated by the McCain campaign, it’s “in the interest of protecting the privacy of her children.” Now, if this leap of logic makes absolutely no sense to you, you’re not alone, but you’re here for an explanation and that’s what I provide. You see, McCain’s children have already taken up residence at Dick Cheney’s compound in stasis pods, so that they can serve in John McCain’s place should he be incapacitated during the campaign. If tax records were somehow released, there is worry that saboteurs would find vice-president Cheney’s compound of bin Laden-like caves.

The Democrats have criticized McCain’s lack of transparency. However, the McCain camp has compared it to the situation of John Kerry, when Kerry’s wealthy wife didn’t disclose her taxes to the public. Although the Republicans had a problem then, not many seem to have much of an issue with it now. Perhaps it’s because McCain’s wife is able to provide beer to people who would criticize her lack of disclosure, while Kerry’s wife could only provide ketchup. There’s only so many freedom fries you can eat before ketchup is useless, but there’s almost no limit to the amount of piss-water/Budweiser you can drink.

The fact that Cindy McCain holds most of the McCain’s wealth also proves that she is more intelligent than Paul McCartney. Hopefully, being vaulted into the public spotlight Before their marriage, John McCain signed a prenuptial agreement to keep the two McCain’s assets separate. However, from a logistical standpoint, it would have been difficult for McCain to sign a prenuptial agreement because the physiological structure of a his foot (pictured left) makes it difficult to hold a pen. There has been speculation as to whether it is legally valid when a turtle dips its foot in ink and presses its inky foot on a contract. The South Carolina state supreme court case of Slave #024 v. Thurmond is the only known precedent for the legal basis of turtle prints. In the case, one of former senator Strom Thurmond’s indentured servants disputed the contract in which the man had entered indentured servitude. The man claimed that his 50 years of indentured servitude should have accounted for at least $1 million in punitive damages. Thurmond commented: “who you gonna believe, a leather-faced old Negro or a leather-faced old turtle?” The comment elicited laughs from the seven white male justices and because it was the south and the plaintiff was black the case was ruled in Thurmond’s favor. Since the case took place during the 1990s, it’s difficult to know of the legal precedent is still valid. Additionally, there is little legal basis granted to cases in South Carolina outside of the state because the justice department has come to accept it as proof that God is not infallible.

Turtle Juice – Budweiser

This week, CNN reported on a major source of funding for John McCain: inferior-quality, American beer. Although Budweiser tastes like a mix between urine and garbage water, next time you have one to drink, feel good about the fact that you might be helping out the McCain family’s finances.

Most of McCain’s massive wealth actually comes by way of his human wife, Cindy McCain. Cindy McCain was the heir to her father’s fortune as an executive at Hensley & Co, the third-largest wholesaler of said pisswater. John McCain doesn’t actually hold the massive wealth since it primarily resides in Cindy’s name. This has helped to keep John McCain separate from his wife’s business dealings, even though McCain’s close relationship with Anheuser-Busch and Budweiser helped in the past as this quote about McCain’s 1982 House run shows:

Anheuser-Busch’s political action committee was among McCain’s earliest donors. Cindy McCain’s father, James Hensley, and other Hensley & Co. executives gave so much the Federal Election Commission ordered McCain to give some of it back. McCain’s campaign used Hensley office equipment such as computers and copiers, and Cindy McCain personally paid some of the campaign’s bills.

Addionally, when McCain is not riding the straight-talk express, he is able to benefit from a little private jet time:

McCain’s campaign still taps Hensley assets: His presidential campaign paid at least $227,000 last year to a limited liability company in which his wife and children are invested, King Aviation, for use of its private jet, according to campaign finance reports.

Nonetheless, McCain’s wealth allows him to live separately from special interest groups, since he doesn’t have to peddle for cash like many of his colleagues in Congress. McCain also seems to understand the conflict of interest inherit in voting for alcohol-related issues while being in bed (literally) with someone in the industry: “McCain has long said he refrains from voting on beer industry-specific issues.”

The article also mentioned that “Senator McCain very rarely, if ever, drinks alcohol.” The article failed to mention whether or not McCain rarely drinks because Budweiser is usually the only option or if it’s because turtles aren’t equipped to imbibe alcohol. On a side note, imagine being water boarded with Budweiser. Aren’t you glad McCain is opposed to torture?

McCain looks for a lizard (pt. 1)

John McCain revealed this week that he has a list of 20 potential candidates for the Vice Presidency. He didn’t reveal any names from the list, but today, I’ll take a look at some of the candidates that the media talks about.

1. Charlie Crist – First off, people will obviously mispronounce his name as Charlie Christ from time to time which makes him a great candidate for the evangelical crowd. Christ is (jeez, I just did it myself), I mean, Crist is from Florida, a key state in determining who will win the general election. Finally, with the next President about to face new leadership in Cuba, it would be nice to have a VP from a state that looks like it’s peeing on Cuba.
2. Mitt Romney – Mitt as VP would immediately make McCain look like a saint. McCain could start snapping at little children who come too close to his holding tank, but with Mitt on the ticket, nobody would notice.
3. Marsha Blackburn – A Republican woman would eliminate the conception that the GOP is a collection of a bunch of white men (and a green turtle). She is also extremely conservative, which would bolster the campaign with evangelicals. Plus, her last name implies that together, they could “burn black” Obama in the general election. This is street slang for defeating Obama (in Tennessee, Blackburn’s state, it may indicate a bit more than that).
4. Jesus – He’s gonna resurrect soon and he’s obviously a Republican if you discount the first commandment (money), the third commandment (football), the fifth commandment (death penalty), the sixth commandment (Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, David Vitter, Bob Allen, Bob Livingston), the seventh commandment(well, if it’s a government contract it’s not technically stealing), and the ninth commandment (why do you think they want that money?).

Readers should remember that the vice president must also have a thick shell to protect from the flak thrown at and deflected from McCain’s shell. Luckily, many Republicans have dried, leather-like skin to offer initial protection from shrapnel and their steel hearts prevent any lethal damage should the shrapnel breach the skin.

McCain Likes Other Countries

John McCain gave an important speech of foreign policy last week.  I would like to revisit what he said as it represents an important part of the candidate.  McCain’s speech focused on a new vision for American foreign policy that is more inclusive and open to the opinions of other countires.  McCain stated: “We need to listen to the views and respect the collective will of our democratic allies.”  This comment marks a split with the the foreign policy ideas of the Bush administration, as it acknowledges other countries exist and may have differing viewpoints.  In his speech, McCain stated that he also supported closing Guantanemo.  He augmented this by saying, “”Our great power does not mean we can do whatever we want whenever we want, nor should we assume we have all the wisdom and knowledge necessary to succeed.”  This marks another marked difference between McCain and the Bush adminstration as it appears to acknowledge the fallability of some of our programs while Bush parades around with his dumb mug, pretending that everything is okay.

McCain’s speech made him almost sound like a French-loving liberal:  “I hold my position because I hate war and I know very well and very personally how grievous its wages are. But I know, too, that we must sometimes pay those wages to avoid paying even higher ones later on.”  However, one must remember that McCain will always have issues with the French because the French eat frog legs, and frogs are a cousin of the turtle.

McCain also mentioned that he supported America signing the Kyoto agreement.  Global warming is a grave concern to John McCain as it threatens many of the natural beach nesting sites required for the females of his species to give birth.  I personally think this demonstrates his selflessness because more female turtles would, theoretically, mean more fun for John McCain (*wink wink*).