McCain looks for a lizard (pt. 1)

John McCain revealed this week that he has a list of 20 potential candidates for the Vice Presidency. He didn’t reveal any names from the list, but today, I’ll take a look at some of the candidates that the media talks about.

1. Charlie Crist – First off, people will obviously mispronounce his name as Charlie Christ from time to time which makes him a great candidate for the evangelical crowd. Christ is (jeez, I just did it myself), I mean, Crist is from Florida, a key state in determining who will win the general election. Finally, with the next President about to face new leadership in Cuba, it would be nice to have a VP from a state that looks like it’s peeing on Cuba.
2. Mitt Romney – Mitt as VP would immediately make McCain look like a saint. McCain could start snapping at little children who come too close to his holding tank, but with Mitt on the ticket, nobody would notice.
3. Marsha Blackburn – A Republican woman would eliminate the conception that the GOP is a collection of a bunch of white men (and a green turtle). She is also extremely conservative, which would bolster the campaign with evangelicals. Plus, her last name implies that together, they could “burn black” Obama in the general election. This is street slang for defeating Obama (in Tennessee, Blackburn’s state, it may indicate a bit more than that).
4. Jesus – He’s gonna resurrect soon and he’s obviously a Republican if you discount the first commandment (money), the third commandment (football), the fifth commandment (death penalty), the sixth commandment (Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, David Vitter, Bob Allen, Bob Livingston), the seventh commandment(well, if it’s a government contract it’s not technically stealing), and the ninth commandment (why do you think they want that money?).

Readers should remember that the vice president must also have a thick shell to protect from the flak thrown at and deflected from McCain’s shell. Luckily, many Republicans have dried, leather-like skin to offer initial protection from shrapnel and their steel hearts prevent any lethal damage should the shrapnel breach the skin.