McCain Encourages Oil Drilling in Home Habitat

In a startling announcement Tuesday, John McCain said that he would encourage lifting a federal ban on offshore oil and natural gas drilling.  McCain proposed lifting the ban because of what he calls America’s “dangerous” dependence on the importation of foreign oil.  McCain’s call is seen as a direct response to increasing fuel prices throughout the country which has caused many critics to suggest that more domestic production will alleviate the high price being charged for oil by increasing the oil supply.  However, many people rebut these claims by pointing out that domestic companies will charge just as much as foreign companies because of supply and demand and that building off shore rigging to drill for oil should take another 5 or 10 years to really effect the oil supply in the States.  Environmentalists also point to the risk of an oil spill in coastal areas and how that would affect the habitat of those areas.

This was a surprising announcement because of John McCain’s history with oil spills.  While on his way to a Mexican vacation with Cindy McCain in 1979, John McCain was a victim of the Ixtoc I oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  This oil spill is particularly notable for how it threatened the habitat of the Kemp’s Ridley sea turtle.  McCain experienced this event personally while swimming from his departure point in Galveston, Texas to his Mexican vacation villa.  During the swim, McCain ran into a large pool of oil being spilt into the Gulf of Mexico.  When McCain finally reached his destination, he was unable to keep down food due to accidental ingestion of a liter of crude oil.  The picture to the left shows McCain surfacing near Rancho Nuevo, Mexico, his shell covered in spilt crude oil.  When asked about the incident Tuesday, McCain said:  “My friends, this country faces a crisis.  I suffered in 1979 because of an oil spill, but I am confident that the technological improvements of the past 29 years can let us drill in these areas safely.”

McCain’s speech also pushed the importance of energy conservation and looking towards new forms of energy consumption.

McCain’s Friday the 13th

Turtle candidate John McCain had fun with the fact that today is Friday the 13th by posing for the picture to the left.  The picture refers to the Friday the 13th movie series that features Jason Voorhees, a masked serial killer who wears a hockey mask and uses a machete.  Much like Jason, John McCain has a blank, expressionless face and limited emotion.  Like Jason, he is also classified as a type of being referred to as the “walking dead;” however, as a turtle, he poses little threat to people, unlike Jason.  McCain commented on the photo:  “I can’t wait to dress up like Jason and hack at Barack Obama’s neck with a machete.  My friends, this is a metaphor, as the machete represents my ability to cut down Barack’s flimsy ideas with the facts.”

However, McCain may want to start hacking at Barack’s neck with a real machete today.  McCain’s campaign began chastising Obama for his inability to respond swiftly to McCain’s request for 10 town hall style meetings.  According to the McCain camp, the Obama campaign has responded with a proposal for only one meeting prior to the Democratic Convention in Denver.  Obama’s proposal includes the three normally scheduled debates, one debate on the economy in July and a foreign policy debate in August.  Obama’s campaign manager, David Plouffe, responded by saying Obama had suggested five meetings prior to election day: “That package of five engagements would have been the most of any presidential campaign in the modern era — offering a broad range of formats — and representing a historic commitment to openness and transparency.” 

McCain’s primary campaign was saved by his town hall meetings, where he performs better than during preplanned speeches.  McCain held over 100 town hall meetings during his primary.  If only John McCain’s turtle hands could hold on to a machete, I’m sure Barack would be his target for failing to acquiesce to McCain’s request.

McCain and Obama Tax Our Patience

On Tuesday, turtle candidate John McCain and black candidate Barack Obama discussed the different ways they will look at tax policy.  McCain’s policy proposals focus on decreasing taxes across the board.  Contrarily, Obama’s policy would focus on raising taxes on more wealthy Americans while lowering them for middle-class families. 

McCain has argued that Obama’s proposals would lead to the highest taxes since World War Two, when America was last in a foreign war on two different fronts before 2003.  McCain also argues in favor of keeping the Bush Tax Cuts he initially voted against.  He proposes lowering the corporate profit tax rate from 35% to 25%, phasing out the Alternative Minimum Tax and increasing the tax exemption for people with kids.  While ignoring middle class people without kids, McCain stated: “We’re going to scrub every agency of government and we’re going to make them justify their existence. And if they can’t, they’re going to go out of existence.”  He has said that he will be able to balance the budget while collecting fewer taxes by cutting the aforementioned nameless government agencies, eliminating sugar and ethanol subsidies and reducing funding for certain weapons systems (aren’t we fighting two wars?).

McCain has long rallied against higher taxes as emphasized in this statement: “In 1773, when I participated in the Boston Tea Party rebellion, I was a patriot.  I did not support the excessive taxation of the British Empire.  I also do not support the excessive taxation of the Federal Government’s Empire.  As I floated through the Boston Harbor eating those tea leaves in protest, I did it because of my love for America and my hatred of negligent, unneccessary taxation.”  McCain’s participation in the Boston Tea Party is represented to the left.

H&R Barack has emphasized a different tact which centers on raising taxes on wealthier Americans, defined as those making more than $250,000 a year.  Obama stated:  “The general principle of raising taxes on higher income Americans, like myself, and providing relief to those who haven’t benefited as much from this new global economy, I think, is a sound one.”  Obama also indicated that he would consider repealing most of the Bush tax cuts.  However, he said he might keep some of the tax cuts, depending on the present economic situation should he takes office.

McCain and Obama Talk Economics

This weekend was the weekend of the loser.  From Hillary Clinton to Big Brown, it was the losers that dominated the news.  John McCain enjoyed some time relaxing in his shell, away from the public eye, while Hillary threw her support behind Barack Obama (pictured left, McCain relaxing during an Everglades tour).  Hillary said:  “I will work my heart out to make sure that Senator Obama is our next president.”  Obama campaign strategist David Axelrod respond by saying, “Hillary is only going to work her heart out.  The fact that she will still have lungs, kidneys and a digestive system after this campaign shows that she is, in fact, a bitch and I’d personally like to see her thrown into the Sarlacc from the Return of the Jedi for her halfassed effort.”  Obama said he was “thrilled and honored” by Hillary’s support while David Axelrod sat in the background and cackled mischeviously while sticking needles into a Hillary Clinton voodoo doll.

But now it’s Monday.  The weekend’s over and Obama seeks to expose McCain’s stupid economic policies by proposing some stupid economic policies of his own.  Obama’s latest proposal is to “make oil companies like Exxon pay a tax on their windfall profits, and we’ll use the money to help families pay for their skyrocketing energy costs and other bills.”  I’m sure arbitrary, unplanned taxes on a company for being too successful are a good way to spur economic growth and increase international investment.  Obama added that “If John McCain’s policies were implemented, they would add $5.7 trillion to the national debt over the next decade. That isn’t fiscal conservatism, that’s what George Bush has done over the last eight years.”  Obama refers to the Bush tax cuts that McCain now supports.

At a Richmond, VA lunchon, McCain responded by saying “we need lower taxes, we need to stimulate our economy, we need to keep people in their homes.”  The McCain campaign has said that it plans to balance the budget by 2013, which should be easy with across the board tax cuts, two wars, rising Social Security costs, rising Medicare costs and a new proposal to subsidize subprime loans with FHA loans.

Obama also hired a new economic aide from the Clinton campaign who hopefully will advise Obama…a lot.  McCain retired back to his holding tank where he had a nap and dreamt about finally beating a hare in a race.

Turtle Soup

Last week, John McCain made quite a stir by acknowledging the failure of government agencies in New Orleans during and after Hurricane Katrina.  “It was a perfect storm as far as the federal, state and local governments’ inability,” said the presumptive Republican nominee.  McCain went on to add that “never again will there be a mismanaged natural disaster.”  He stated that “Americans have not forgotten New Orleans.” 

John McCain should be lauded for going to New Orleans, because New Orleans is a scary place for John McCain.  It is a town drunk on turtle soup (flavored with sherry and thyme), where chefs in large hats roam the streets with hatchets, waiting to yank the poor creatures from their shell and throw them in a deliciouspot of beef stock, celery, onions and oregano.  McCain even had a close encounter with one chef (pictured left) during his stay there, but managed to escape due to slippery algae that had accumulated on his shell.

Some cynics noted that there are some problems with McCain’s statements, considering what he said about the 9th Ward earlier in the week:  “We need to go back to have a conversation about what to do: rebuild it, tear it down, you know, whatever it is.”  Many 9th Ward residents didn’t take to kindly to the “tear it down” part of that comment.  Primarily, they were offended at the implication that the government might “tear” down a part of the city where they owned their homes.  However, since John McCain visited there, the 9th Ward is no longer a forgotten part of America…isn’t that how it works?

McCain gets his South on

This week, McCain lumbered to rural Kentucky as a continuation of his “forgotten places” tour.  Since it hasn’t had much recent land development, rural Kentucky truly is a forgotten place.  McCain said, “I wouldn’t be back here today if government had fulfilled the promises that Lyndon Johnson made 44 years ago,” a statement that, unfortunately, makes the tacit implication that Johnson’s proposals were a good thing.  “The moral of the story is — government isn’t always the answer” added the senior Senator from Arizona in the United States government.

McCain also addressed the health care issue facing many rural people: “[McCain] mentioned his proposal for a $5,000 refundable tax credit to allow families to ‘go out and acquire at least some level of health insurance,’ and added that he would recruit professional athletes to visit rural communities to talk about nutrition.”  McCain’s tax benefit should help to supplement the average $12,100 that employers and employees contribute to the average family health insurance plan.*  But who cares about that?  Obviously the most effective way to demonstrate nutritional responsibility is to bring athletic role-models like Jason Kidd, John Daly and Pacman Jones to rural Kentucky.

*Note = McCain wants to eliminate the corporate tax credit for health care which could shift the entire cost of health care to the consumers.  Whatever, I’m sure he has a plan for the $7,100 shortfall.

Straight-Talk Express in Forgotten America

My friends, John McCain continues to languish in the background of the news media as the Democratic presidential battle continues. Do not worry, because the straight-talk express will continue rambling across this land. In a campaign email this weekend, our favorite turtle said the following: “This week I embarked on a trip to areas of the United States seldom-visited and all too often forgotten by our nation’s leaders.” As a senior member of the Senate, we must remember that John McCain is not one of these so-called “nation’s leaders,” but just a peon amongst the evil of Washington politics. He should not be blamed for forgetting areas of the nation.

In addition, even with his limited powers as a senior member of the Senate, McCain has not forgotten America. As evidenced in an article by the New York Times on April 22nd, John McCain remembered the location of Fort Ord in California when long-time campaign contributor and friend Donald Diamond wanted to purchase the land for real estate development: “McCain assigned an aide who set up a meeting at the Pentagon and later stepped in again to help speed up the sale.” The Times also reported that “In 1991 and 1994, McCain sponsored two laws sought by Diamond that resulted in providing him millions of dollars and thousands of acres in exchange for adding some of his [Diamond’s] properties to national parks.” This proves that McCain didn’t forget our national parks like many people in Washington. McCain has also not failed to forget places like Sedona, Tuscon and the Bahamas: “Over the years, Diamond and his wife, Joan, visited the McCains at their ranch in Sedona, Arizona, and entertained them in their Tucson home and in the Bahamas, where Diamond sometimes keeps his 134-foot yacht.”

While some people have speculated that there is some impropriety in the three land deals with which McCain has helped Diamond, it’s hard to believe that McCain has really shown Diamond much favoritism. Look at the stats: “Diamond and his family have given more than $55,000 to McCain’s campaigns…and [he] is now serving as a national co-chairman of the finance committee for McCain’s current presidential run.” $55,000 really isn’t that much money to most politicians who are drunk on money from Budweiser sales and Diamond is only a co-chair, not the sole chair. Obviously, McCain really doesn’t like him all that much, probably due to one of Diamond’s visits to New Orleans where he ate turtle soup.  The way Diamond’s mouth hangs open and the way he moistens his lips demonstrates that Diamond sees more than a friend in John McCain, but a potential Cajun soup ingredient.  If only the New York Times reported on the actual threat of soupmaking within the McCain campaign, we wouldn’t have to worry about flimsy allegations of campaign maleficence.

McCain Looks for a Lizard (part 2)

This Tuesday, the bitter people of Pennsylvania will vote in the Democratic primary, so John McCain will be relegated to the background in the news media.  Well, that is, unless he bites a child at a local zoo or something.  Since John McCain will be in the background today, I figured I would look at some people who will in the background behind John McCain when he slowly lumbers up to the podium to accept the presidency on January 20th, 2009.  Potential McCain vice presidents:

1. Mike Huckabee – An obvious choice.  Huckabee has a lot of the Conservative Christian cache that Mitt Romney would have, but without the magic underpants.  Also, as a bassist, he is attuned to standing in the background while the lead guitarist shines.  Of course, this is only true figuratively, because John McCain’s turtle hands and feet are not suitable for playing guitar.
2. Joseph Lieberman – Many people have noticed how buddy, buddy McCain and Lieberman have been lately.  One must remember that Lieberman is no longer a Democrat, but an “Independent Democrat,” so it wouldn’t be THAT odd if he ran with John McCain.  It would also be great to have Lieberman around as an advisor when McCain is confusedabout Shiite Iran and Sunni Al-Qaeda, in case he needs declare military action or anything like that.
3. Condoleezza Rice – Another bold choice in the demographic debate.  “Oh Democrats, you have someone who’s black?  So do we.  A woman?  HA!”  Condoleezza has frequently stated that she doesn’t want the VP spot, that she would rather go to Stanford and share cocktails with Donald Rumsfeld at the Hoover Institute while trying to finally master how to play “The Bitch is Back” on piano.  However, it’s Condoleezza, do you really believe her?
4. Satan – Last time I speculated that Jesus might make a good running mate for John McCain since Jesus is obviously a Republican (of course, discounting 5 of the 10 commandments).  However, the Vice President often needs to be the bad guy.  In the tradition of great Republican vice presidents like Dick Cheney, Spiro Agnew and Richard Nixon (’53 to ’61, remember), Satan seems like a natural choice.  He has an intimidating presence, is a tough negotiator and even talks back to the man above if needed.  Do you think Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could intimidate this guy if our Lord and Savior doesn’t intimidate him?  Plus, serving as Vice President for the Republican party obviously imparts God’s good will on someone and maybe, just maybe, after 8 years, Satan could finally find his way back into Heaven.  That would just be good for everyone.

On a side note, I wish people would stop referring to McCain’s vice president as a running mate.  As a turtle, it is impossible for McCain to run and implying that he has a mate with which to run is simply rude and insensitive.

McCain’s campaign calls out Obama’s Islamo-Fascism

My friends, I must admit that I was distressed to find that my spam folder chose to block an email from the McCain campaign last Friday.  On the 18th,  John McCain’s campaign sent an email to his friends that referred to a quote from Hamas political adviser Ahmed Yousef that states:  “We like Mr. Obama and we hope he will win the election.  He has a vision to change America.”  Such blatant Islamo-Fascism.  See, it would be a BAD thing if a terrorist organization decided they didn’t hate the president of the United States because, well, humm…they are terrorists, so they’re bad…but if they didn’t hate us…they probably wouldn’t want to “terrorise” us as much.  Let me think about that.  Anyway, the campaign email goes on to state: “We need change in America, but not the kind of change that wins kind words from Hamas.”  It’s obvious that the kind words from Hamas for Obama come from his buddy-like rhetoric towards Hamas as demonstrated with the following Obama quote:  “We must not negotiate with a terrorist group intent on Israel’s destruction. We should only sit down with Hamas if they renounce terrorism, recognize Israel’s right to exist, and abide by past agreements.”  He doesn’t even mention that we should kill anyone who has ever been involved with Hamas.  Obviously, his attitude is much too lax.

My friends, like you and me, John McCain is worried about the possible threat of an Islamo-Fascist president in the United States because of problems such as an increase in terrorist activities and sacrificial goat slayings.  We don’t want someone TALKING to the leaders of countries like Syira and Iran cause that will obviously cause those countries to convert our leaders to Islam, thus converting the entire country to Islam.  At a personal level, John McCain must worry about his own safety in America if an Islamo-Fascist becomes president.  In Muslim nations, people will kill turtles in order to use them as aphrodisiacs, where turtle blood is described as “as good as Viagra.”  As Islamo-Fascism spreads through the plains of American, from coast to coast, John McCain would have nowhere left to live as the engorged hoards try to slit his throat for his sweet erection-inducing turtle blood.  That’s not a way to treat a war hero and that’s why he should be president (if you’re thinking this is that point where this blog has delved into absurd fiction…not completely).

U.S. and Them (England)

Upon his visit to the United States, British Prime Minister/human Gordon Brown met with the three remaining presidential candidates: woman Hillary Clinton, black Barack Obama and, our favorite, turtle John McCain.  On Thursday, Brown met with all three candidates for 45 minutes at the British embassy in Washington D.C.  After his meetings, Brown said the following:  “I am absolutely confident that, having talked to the three candidates, that the special relationship between our two countries is strong and secure and valued by all of them.”  This marks a strong departure from Tony Blair’s policy towards the United States, often described with the term “perturbed pussiness,” which came about after this quote from Blair:  “You know, sometimes I am a little perturbed at the way Bush has handled his foreign policy, but I’m a pussy so I just roll over and take it.”

While in the United States, Brown addressed the ongoing international credit crisis by pressing for international action that requires banks to reveal how much money they have lost.  This comes after McCain’s comments on the economy earlier in the week.  McCain called for an end to the federal gas tax, an overhaul of income tax system and a decrease in corporate profit taxes from 35% to 25%.  McCain has long been a proponent of responsible federal spending and his economic proposal also required decreased discretionary spending by the federal government.  He also seems to have limited concern over the revenue shortfall for the government by stating the following: “The best way to have a balanced budget is to have a recovering economy.”  McCain has also said that inflation is not a worry for him because of the texture and taste of money.  In fact, United States currency is very similar to the leafy-green flora that McCain usually eats and should inflation be a problem, McCain says his belly can tighten up the supply of money and cause deflation.  McCain’s campaign has not yet commented on whose money McCain would eat to decrease the money supply, but many suspect that Anne Coulter might not be able to afford a turkey this Thanksgiving (not that she would want to since more than two grams of food may throw off her metabolism).