U.S. and Them (England)

Upon his visit to the United States, British Prime Minister/human Gordon Brown met with the three remaining presidential candidates: woman Hillary Clinton, black Barack Obama and, our favorite, turtle John McCain.  On Thursday, Brown met with all three candidates for 45 minutes at the British embassy in Washington D.C.  After his meetings, Brown said the following:  “I am absolutely confident that, having talked to the three candidates, that the special relationship between our two countries is strong and secure and valued by all of them.”  This marks a strong departure from Tony Blair’s policy towards the United States, often described with the term “perturbed pussiness,” which came about after this quote from Blair:  “You know, sometimes I am a little perturbed at the way Bush has handled his foreign policy, but I’m a pussy so I just roll over and take it.”

While in the United States, Brown addressed the ongoing international credit crisis by pressing for international action that requires banks to reveal how much money they have lost.  This comes after McCain’s comments on the economy earlier in the week.  McCain called for an end to the federal gas tax, an overhaul of income tax system and a decrease in corporate profit taxes from 35% to 25%.  McCain has long been a proponent of responsible federal spending and his economic proposal also required decreased discretionary spending by the federal government.  He also seems to have limited concern over the revenue shortfall for the government by stating the following: “The best way to have a balanced budget is to have a recovering economy.”  McCain has also said that inflation is not a worry for him because of the texture and taste of money.  In fact, United States currency is very similar to the leafy-green flora that McCain usually eats and should inflation be a problem, McCain says his belly can tighten up the supply of money and cause deflation.  McCain’s campaign has not yet commented on whose money McCain would eat to decrease the money supply, but many suspect that Anne Coulter might not be able to afford a turkey this Thanksgiving (not that she would want to since more than two grams of food may throw off her metabolism).

McCain Likes Other Countries

John McCain gave an important speech of foreign policy last week.  I would like to revisit what he said as it represents an important part of the candidate.  McCain’s speech focused on a new vision for American foreign policy that is more inclusive and open to the opinions of other countires.  McCain stated: “We need to listen to the views and respect the collective will of our democratic allies.”  This comment marks a split with the the foreign policy ideas of the Bush administration, as it acknowledges other countries exist and may have differing viewpoints.  In his speech, McCain stated that he also supported closing Guantanemo.  He augmented this by saying, “”Our great power does not mean we can do whatever we want whenever we want, nor should we assume we have all the wisdom and knowledge necessary to succeed.”  This marks another marked difference between McCain and the Bush adminstration as it appears to acknowledge the fallability of some of our programs while Bush parades around with his dumb mug, pretending that everything is okay.

McCain’s speech made him almost sound like a French-loving liberal:  “I hold my position because I hate war and I know very well and very personally how grievous its wages are. But I know, too, that we must sometimes pay those wages to avoid paying even higher ones later on.”  However, one must remember that McCain will always have issues with the French because the French eat frog legs, and frogs are a cousin of the turtle.

McCain also mentioned that he supported America signing the Kyoto agreement.  Global warming is a grave concern to John McCain as it threatens many of the natural beach nesting sites required for the females of his species to give birth.  I personally think this demonstrates his selflessness because more female turtles would, theoretically, mean more fun for John McCain (*wink wink*).