McCain and Obama Talk Economics

This weekend was the weekend of the loser.  From Hillary Clinton to Big Brown, it was the losers that dominated the news.  John McCain enjoyed some time relaxing in his shell, away from the public eye, while Hillary threw her support behind Barack Obama (pictured left, McCain relaxing during an Everglades tour).  Hillary said:  “I will work my heart out to make sure that Senator Obama is our next president.”  Obama campaign strategist David Axelrod respond by saying, “Hillary is only going to work her heart out.  The fact that she will still have lungs, kidneys and a digestive system after this campaign shows that she is, in fact, a bitch and I’d personally like to see her thrown into the Sarlacc from the Return of the Jedi for her halfassed effort.”  Obama said he was “thrilled and honored” by Hillary’s support while David Axelrod sat in the background and cackled mischeviously while sticking needles into a Hillary Clinton voodoo doll.

But now it’s Monday.  The weekend’s over and Obama seeks to expose McCain’s stupid economic policies by proposing some stupid economic policies of his own.  Obama’s latest proposal is to “make oil companies like Exxon pay a tax on their windfall profits, and we’ll use the money to help families pay for their skyrocketing energy costs and other bills.”  I’m sure arbitrary, unplanned taxes on a company for being too successful are a good way to spur economic growth and increase international investment.  Obama added that “If John McCain’s policies were implemented, they would add $5.7 trillion to the national debt over the next decade. That isn’t fiscal conservatism, that’s what George Bush has done over the last eight years.”  Obama refers to the Bush tax cuts that McCain now supports.

At a Richmond, VA lunchon, McCain responded by saying “we need lower taxes, we need to stimulate our economy, we need to keep people in their homes.”  The McCain campaign has said that it plans to balance the budget by 2013, which should be easy with across the board tax cuts, two wars, rising Social Security costs, rising Medicare costs and a new proposal to subsidize subprime loans with FHA loans.

Obama also hired a new economic aide from the Clinton campaign who hopefully will advise Obama…a lot.  McCain retired back to his holding tank where he had a nap and dreamt about finally beating a hare in a race.

McCain Loves the Ladies

Hillary Clinton is out and ladies, John McCain wants you.  After the primaries on Tuesday, Hillary Clinton was statistically eliminated from the Democratic nomination for president.  This allowed McCain to focus his appeal to Senator Clinton’s female supporters who were jaded by the loss of the only major female candidate.  McCain stated: “I think there’s a lot of Senator Clinton’s supporters who will support me because of their belief that Senator [“Uglyface”] Obama does not have the experience or the knowledge or the judgment to address this nation’s national security challenges [in bed].”  McCain continued to comment about his esteem for ladies during the speech: “As the father of three daughters, I owe her a debt for inspiring millions of women to believe there is no opportunity in this great country beyond their reach [besides the Presidency of the United States].”

Many Clinton supporters have said they would vote for McCain before voting for Obama.  This is a logical leap since Clinton and McCain’s views are so similar on the issues of abortion, defense spending, health care, immigration, tax reform, free-trade agreements and Iraq*.

*Note: Clinton and McCain have antithetical view on these issues and Clinton supporters who switch to McCain probably don’t know why they supported Clinton in the first place.

The Long, Slow Crawl to the End

Now that woman candidate Hillary Clinton has been fundamentally eliminated from the presidential race, McCain has focused his attention on black candidate Barack Obama in more definite ways. Over the past week, McCain has stepped up criticism of how Barack Obama plans to deal with terrorist states such as Iran and Syria. McCain’s criticisms refer primarily to a debate in which Obama said he would meet with Iranian/tribble president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pictured left with William Shatner). The major sticking point of this statement has been Obama’s suggestion that he would meet unconditionally with Ahmadinejad. Addressing the American-Israeli Public Affairs Committee on Monday (AIPAC), McCain stated: “We hear talk of a meeting with the Iranian leadership offered up as if it were some sudden inspiration, a bold new idea that somehow nobody has ever thought of before.” McCain cited unsuccessful attempts by the Clinton administration to meet with Iran as evidence that Obama’s ideas are naive.

In today’s meeting at AIPAC, Obama appeared to have toughened his stance: “We will open up lines of communication, build an agenda, coordinate closely with our allies, and evaluate the potential for progress…I have no interest in sitting down with our adversaries just for the sake of talking.” Then Obama had this zinger: “I will do everything in my power to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon, everything in my power to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon — everything.” Then he got a standing ovation.

Today, McCain also proposed that he and Obama have 10 face-to-face town hall meetings across the country. The Obama camp responded positively to the suggestion, but proposed changes: “We would recommend a format that is less structured and lengthier than the McCain campaign suggests, one that more closely resembles the historic debates between Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas.”

McCain said the following about the Lincoln-Douglass debate proposal: “I know Senator Obama has fond ideas about these debates because of how they have been presented in the history books. My friends, I was there in 1858 to witness the reality of these debates. I was there to see how ineffective they were for escalating the level of debate in this nation. For you, my friends, my many many friends, I want your voices to be heard and that’s why I propose the town hall meetings.”

McCain has yet to say whether he wants to include Libertarian/dustbroom candidate Bob Barr (pictured left) in these town hall meetings. Mike Gravel is expected to show up and throw gravel at the gathered crowds.

U.S. and Them (England)

Upon his visit to the United States, British Prime Minister/human Gordon Brown met with the three remaining presidential candidates: woman Hillary Clinton, black Barack Obama and, our favorite, turtle John McCain.  On Thursday, Brown met with all three candidates for 45 minutes at the British embassy in Washington D.C.  After his meetings, Brown said the following:  “I am absolutely confident that, having talked to the three candidates, that the special relationship between our two countries is strong and secure and valued by all of them.”  This marks a strong departure from Tony Blair’s policy towards the United States, often described with the term “perturbed pussiness,” which came about after this quote from Blair:  “You know, sometimes I am a little perturbed at the way Bush has handled his foreign policy, but I’m a pussy so I just roll over and take it.”

While in the United States, Brown addressed the ongoing international credit crisis by pressing for international action that requires banks to reveal how much money they have lost.  This comes after McCain’s comments on the economy earlier in the week.  McCain called for an end to the federal gas tax, an overhaul of income tax system and a decrease in corporate profit taxes from 35% to 25%.  McCain has long been a proponent of responsible federal spending and his economic proposal also required decreased discretionary spending by the federal government.  He also seems to have limited concern over the revenue shortfall for the government by stating the following: “The best way to have a balanced budget is to have a recovering economy.”  McCain has also said that inflation is not a worry for him because of the texture and taste of money.  In fact, United States currency is very similar to the leafy-green flora that McCain usually eats and should inflation be a problem, McCain says his belly can tighten up the supply of money and cause deflation.  McCain’s campaign has not yet commented on whose money McCain would eat to decrease the money supply, but many suspect that Anne Coulter might not be able to afford a turkey this Thanksgiving (not that she would want to since more than two grams of food may throw off her metabolism).