McCain Looks for a Lizard (pt. 3)

After a far too long hiatus, we’re (as in the royal we, referring to me) back.

Today, the New York Times reported that John McCain will begin having meetings with potential running mates at his ranch in Sedona, Arizona. The three people being invited to the ranch to discuss the VP position are Florida governor and Savior doppelganger Charlie Crist, former Massachusetts governor and hair titan Mitt Romney, and Louisiana governor/Republican-version of Barack Obama Bobby Jindal.

Bobby Jindal’s invitation to meet with McCain comes as a mild surprise because he is a relatively fresh face in politics and he is from turtle soup’s home, Louisiana. At 36, Jindal became the youngest governor in the United States earlier this year and he has limited executive experience. However, Jindal’s young age could be a boon for a presidential ticket featuring a sea turtle that Darwin witnessed on his first visits to the Galapagos Islands. In addition, Jindal is capable of drawing the conservative base to McCain. Notably, one of Jindal’s biggest fans (literally and figuratively) is Rush Limbaugh, who has called him the next Ronald Regan.

Another thing to consider with Jindal is race. By nominating an Indian-American for the VP position, the GOP could deflect criticism that it is a collection of stuffy, white men and green turtles. However, many rural swing voters might have a tough time deciding which race they don’t want to vote for: the Blacks who used to do all the work for America domestically or the Indians who currently do all the work for America overseas. With Jindal, it is tough to know whether his race will be an advantage or disadvantage.

McCain has also shown his conservative credentials by failing to meet with any women for the Vice Presidency position.

McCain Looks for a Lizard (part 2)

This Tuesday, the bitter people of Pennsylvania will vote in the Democratic primary, so John McCain will be relegated to the background in the news media.  Well, that is, unless he bites a child at a local zoo or something.  Since John McCain will be in the background today, I figured I would look at some people who will in the background behind John McCain when he slowly lumbers up to the podium to accept the presidency on January 20th, 2009.  Potential McCain vice presidents:

1. Mike Huckabee – An obvious choice.  Huckabee has a lot of the Conservative Christian cache that Mitt Romney would have, but without the magic underpants.  Also, as a bassist, he is attuned to standing in the background while the lead guitarist shines.  Of course, this is only true figuratively, because John McCain’s turtle hands and feet are not suitable for playing guitar.
2. Joseph Lieberman – Many people have noticed how buddy, buddy McCain and Lieberman have been lately.  One must remember that Lieberman is no longer a Democrat, but an “Independent Democrat,” so it wouldn’t be THAT odd if he ran with John McCain.  It would also be great to have Lieberman around as an advisor when McCain is confusedabout Shiite Iran and Sunni Al-Qaeda, in case he needs declare military action or anything like that.
3. Condoleezza Rice – Another bold choice in the demographic debate.  “Oh Democrats, you have someone who’s black?  So do we.  A woman?  HA!”  Condoleezza has frequently stated that she doesn’t want the VP spot, that she would rather go to Stanford and share cocktails with Donald Rumsfeld at the Hoover Institute while trying to finally master how to play “The Bitch is Back” on piano.  However, it’s Condoleezza, do you really believe her?
4. Satan – Last time I speculated that Jesus might make a good running mate for John McCain since Jesus is obviously a Republican (of course, discounting 5 of the 10 commandments).  However, the Vice President often needs to be the bad guy.  In the tradition of great Republican vice presidents like Dick Cheney, Spiro Agnew and Richard Nixon (’53 to ’61, remember), Satan seems like a natural choice.  He has an intimidating presence, is a tough negotiator and even talks back to the man above if needed.  Do you think Hugo Chavez or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could intimidate this guy if our Lord and Savior doesn’t intimidate him?  Plus, serving as Vice President for the Republican party obviously imparts God’s good will on someone and maybe, just maybe, after 8 years, Satan could finally find his way back into Heaven.  That would just be good for everyone.

On a side note, I wish people would stop referring to McCain’s vice president as a running mate.  As a turtle, it is impossible for McCain to run and implying that he has a mate with which to run is simply rude and insensitive.

McCain looks for a lizard (pt. 1)

John McCain revealed this week that he has a list of 20 potential candidates for the Vice Presidency. He didn’t reveal any names from the list, but today, I’ll take a look at some of the candidates that the media talks about.

1. Charlie Crist – First off, people will obviously mispronounce his name as Charlie Christ from time to time which makes him a great candidate for the evangelical crowd. Christ is (jeez, I just did it myself), I mean, Crist is from Florida, a key state in determining who will win the general election. Finally, with the next President about to face new leadership in Cuba, it would be nice to have a VP from a state that looks like it’s peeing on Cuba.
2. Mitt Romney – Mitt as VP would immediately make McCain look like a saint. McCain could start snapping at little children who come too close to his holding tank, but with Mitt on the ticket, nobody would notice.
3. Marsha Blackburn – A Republican woman would eliminate the conception that the GOP is a collection of a bunch of white men (and a green turtle). She is also extremely conservative, which would bolster the campaign with evangelicals. Plus, her last name implies that together, they could “burn black” Obama in the general election. This is street slang for defeating Obama (in Tennessee, Blackburn’s state, it may indicate a bit more than that).
4. Jesus – He’s gonna resurrect soon and he’s obviously a Republican if you discount the first commandment (money), the third commandment (football), the fifth commandment (death penalty), the sixth commandment (Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, David Vitter, Bob Allen, Bob Livingston), the seventh commandment(well, if it’s a government contract it’s not technically stealing), and the ninth commandment (why do you think they want that money?).

Readers should remember that the vice president must also have a thick shell to protect from the flak thrown at and deflected from McCain’s shell. Luckily, many Republicans have dried, leather-like skin to offer initial protection from shrapnel and their steel hearts prevent any lethal damage should the shrapnel breach the skin.